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Have you ever smiled at racism?

by | Jun 8, 2021 | Relational Spaces - Community, Uncategorized

Have you ever had to hold a smile and a conversation during active racism?
 
When it’s the only location where you can buy the thing you need to buy because you aren’t knowledgeable enough to go to Amazon and get it on your own, you have to hold a smile and a conversation about the “nicest colored lady” that was helped across the street into Walmart by the person who owns the supplies you’re purchasing.
 
“Was that your mom?”
 
“No… no it wasn’t. How much is my total? Cool, thank you. I’ll be back tomorrow with the sample.”
 
Now, of course, there was actual human interaction. I know that the human I was talking to had a life history and a story and real concerns and saw me, in that moment, as a real person too. We shared stories. We high fived. We laughed. They educated me based on their expertise. They are, like I am, a multi-dimensional person.
 
However, I also knew that this was not the time to correct their language. It wasn’t the time to tell them a history lesson. It wasn’t a time to say “did you know what you said is racist?” I just wanted to buy the stuff that I needed to buy and go home and do what I needed to do.
 
But I had to hold a smile and a conversation during the racism. And I have to go back tomorrow because it’s the only place I can go to buy what I need to buy and do what I need to do.
 
This is just one example, of many, of racial battle fatigue. It’s the routine, really boring, daily living experiences that we all just want to have as uneventfully as possible that are interrupted by racist actions that Black folks have to ignore and “grow a thick skin” because how dare we mention it and “play the race card” in a conversation with a stranger?
 
In these moments, we seem to fail at remembering that when racism entered the discussion, the card was already played.
Most Sexual Assault Survivors have said these words & know this feeling.

Most Sexual Assault Survivors have said these words & know this feeling.

by | Jan 19, 2020 | Relational Spaces - Family, Relational Spaces - Friends, The Bookworm Therapist

This post contains affiliate links and is going to reference the experience of sexual assault.

It includes a reference to an article discussing surviving and attempting to hold a person accountable for sexual assault.

“I just kind of froze like a deer in headlights, just frozen. I knew it was happening. I could feel it,” she added. “I remember trying to fix my eyes on a spot on the wall and just trying to avoid seeing his face as he was assaulting me, just waiting for it to be over.”

In my experiences, both personally & professionally, this quote embodies the most common psychoemotional experience of assault.

So many people permit or perform sexual activity in order to survive sexual assault.

So many people permit or perform sexual activity in order to survive sexual assault. This is why we cannot blame victims for surviving assault because of the fact that sex happened. Once we understand that sex is sometimes the only way to survive assault, we can stop blaming people for doing what was necessary to survive the moments.

Why didn’t s/he/they fight back? Fighting back is a response you grow into over time. It is rarely the first response in each situation where assault happens.

It’s called “fight, flight or freeze” for a reason. Many freeze. Many flee psychologically (ie disassociate). Few of us fight the first time. If only the first time was the only time. Usually it is not and so we start learning to fight.

Once people start fighting, we then see victim blaming by focusing on the fighting back/self defense and not the assault necessitating self defense.

Believe victims.
Understand that sex can be a survival tactic.
Fighting isn’t always the first available response.
Support survivors.
Hold abusers accountable.

If you want to start to understand the reasons why it is best to address abuse with abusers – read Lundy Bancroft’s book. It’s a game changer!

 

 

 

 

Nobody’s Ready for Marriage

Nobody’s Ready for Marriage

by | Dec 6, 2019 | Identity Growth and Change, Relational Spaces, Relational Spaces - Family, The Bookworm Therapist, The Divorced Therapist

Nobody’s Ready for Marriage

One of my favorite relationship books is “Passionate Marriage” by Dr David Schnarch because of this quote: “Nobody’s ready for marriage. Marriage is what makes you ready for marriage.” It’s in the introduction of the book.

I started reading it a little before I got divorced because I didn’t want to get divorced.

I started reading it a little before I got divorced because I didn’t want to get divorced.

As a therapist, we tend to think we have the skills to avoid marital calamities like divorce.

In my relationship, we had survived unemployment, underemployment & grad school, we could survive infidelity, right?

We could have, if we’d gotten help,  if we really wanted to change ourselves and change our relationship to meet both of our needs.

That discussion is a post for another day.

Passionate Marriage was a beginning of more awareness building for me. It was a text that did a lot to me and for me. (Books are why I affectionately call myself the Bookworm Therapist. I believe that I can’t be the only person to go through what I’m going through and someone somewhere else has probably gone through it and ideally writte a book, article, song or poem about it. At least I hope for it with crossed fingers and toes, because the alternative is unsettling to say the least!) 

Primarily, it was one of the important first steps I really needed in the continued development of my self and identity as a person. It made me become the wife in my relationship instead of the therapist I’d been operating as for the past 12 years in being connected to the kid’s dad (TKD).

It’s a book primarily about differentiation of self and within relationships. It’s become one of the books I reference in couples work & recommend when working in the family relational space generally.

I’ll share some of my favorite phrases, pages & takeaways in future posts.

Cyber Monday 2019 – Couples Bundle

Cyber Monday 2019 – Couples Bundle

by | Dec 2, 2019 | Relational Spaces, Relational Spaces - Family

Couples Session Bundle

Are upcoming holidays putting stress on your relationship? Are there undercurrents in your relationship that are creating disconnection? Why not commit yourself to some time to engage your experience in a safe, neutral environment?

Here’s what the couple’s bundle includes:

1. One (1) 90-minute Clinical Assessment
A 90-minute clinical assessment will give two partners a chance to hear and be heard.
– 15 minutes will be spent with the couple together
– 30 minutes is for each partner to be seen individually
– 15 minutes will be used to recommend treatment options to the couple.

2. Two (2) 75-minute couples sessions

*This offer is currently for Utah residents only

Change is inevitable, Growth is optional

Change is inevitable, Growth is optional

by | Nov 24, 2019 | Identity Growth and Change, Relational Spaces

Every story is rooted in change. Mine is no exception. As I’ve taken time to consider my career as a social worker for the last 20 years, I knew I wanted my practice to reflect my diverse experiences and professional skillset.

Identity, Growth & Change have been the keywords I used to anchor my work around facilitating connection for individuals, families, groups & communities.

It only seemed right to expand the way I talk about my work as efforts in relational change where connection matters most.

“Change is inevitable.
Growth is optional.”
John Maxwell

Welcome to Relational Spaces w/Dr. LaShawn! I’m excited to expand and articulate the next phases of this journey!

My website is being redesigned and launching just in time for 2020.

Stay tuned!!

It’s been 3 years.

It’s been 3 years.

by | Nov 16, 2019 | Identity Growth and Change, Relational Spaces, The Divorced Therapist

November 14th & 16th are my divorce-aversary (divorce-anniversary) dates. 

November 14th because that’s when my divorce was finalized but I didn’t realize it. 

November 16th because that’s when I got an email from my lawyer that the decree I thought I was reviewing was actually the finalized decree. 

A friend commented “Congratulations on your nupiticide” and I quipped “I need that on a shirt!” I still think that I do, even thought it’s been three years. 

 

Nupticide: he destruction of a nuptial union.

It was November and I’d actually just moved into the home I would rent as I sold my house aka “the marital home.”

I made another withdrawal from my 401k to cover expenses, as I’d just started a new full time job in August and was trying to “get back on my feet” as they say. At some point during the moving of the things that I needed and sorting through the things he’d left behind and finding out how many more things were lost or destroyed during the divorce process, I told myself: “I’ll give it three years to get back on my feet. If I have to drain my 401k to get by paying rent here and my mortgage until the home sells, I’ll do it – as long as me and the kids are taken care of. They need as little disturbance to their lives as possible considering what they’re too little to understand they’re going through right now.”

And I did drain my 401k that I’d had after 10 years of working for the state, just to get through the divorce.

Then I got equity from the home sale, too. It took me 2 years of full time work plus the equity from my home sale, to realize that raising a family of 4 between two homes with $100 in child support from the kid’s dad (aka TKD) every month and only one job was a significant struggle. 

And then I fell in love in year 3…. with a house. 

After the divorce was final, the kids said they wanted their own house. I felt like I did too. Maybe it was to prove to myself that I could do it again. I’d bought my first home before I was married and i bought my second home while TKD was unemployed (he will always say that it was his credit that got us the home, although he wasn’t ever on the mortgage loan or the deed and couldn’t qualify to buy the home from me in the divorce). Something about having a home of our own kept coming up. We liked our neighborhood and our neighbors. And the kids wanted a two story home. Everything we saw was a one-story rambler or very old and dated and would need more money put into it to bring it up to date. 

And then…. 

We were driving to the store and saw a home for sale. It was a two-story home. I texted my realtor (who became like a sister to me during the sale of my home during the divorce as she was also divorced) and asked her to get us a showing. She told me it was above my price point and asked if she should increase it for my search. I said no, we’re just gonna walk through it, not buy it. 

And then we did our showing… and i had the same feeling in this house that I did in my second home. I walked in and said “this is my house.” Except this time I said “oh no.” and “uh oh.” as I walked through the house and fell in love with each room, the layout, the shower, the closet, the basement, the backyard & the kitchen.

It was my home. 

After the walk through, I had to talk to myself and my Self said, “…but it’s almost been 3 years. And you said ‘2-3 years to get yourself together and back on your feet.’ and here is a home… together and here you are with feet, so???” And it really was a lot like falling in love because I didn’t feel like I was ready for what I deserved nor did I feel that I necessarily deserved it. 

But I was ready on the inside and I do believe I deserve it.  

The home that stole my heart

This is my third home purchase in almost 15 years.

Oftentimes people will hear my divorce story and praise me for getting this purchase “without a man” and then i look back at the 3 properties I’ve owned in my life and I’ve always done them “without a man.” My only co-owned purchase was acreage with TKD that we’d planned to build on – had plans drawn up and everything, but then the divorce happened instead and the land was a short sale. 

But here I am 3 years later, from a process that truly drained me emotionally and financially. 3 years later and I know that it’s time to rebuild, to truly build with intention and purpose in ways that I have done before but didn’t realize it when it was happening. Divorce isn’t easy and I can’t say that divorce is necessarily worth it when there are kids involved. It was worth it for me and it’s very difficult helping them navigate their reality inside of my own, but this is where we are. 

I look at how hard I work and how hard it really is to try and do all of this like a Pinterest-perfect person. My own life story is as much of an impact on my present circumstances as my divorce is. The divorce just highlighted it to a place that I could see it and make sense of myself and the life I want for my family and my kids.

I intentionally try to create and provide and sustain for my kids. That is the only truth I hold right now. It is my start and my finish line. It is my one true thing. We talked yesterday about what our reward would be when I get a promotion at my job in two years. We set a reward for when I finished my dissertation back in 2017 and it helped us cope with the stress of it all (aka during the divorce) and we will do it again as we enter another busy year preparing for promotion and tenure.

So we’re going to set some intentions and plan our life and expectations with each other for that time period this weekend. I look at the last three years and think that it could be worse (and it has gotten close more than I have time to write about in this moment) but it can and is and will get better. I love the quote “God didn’t bring you through a storm to drop you in a puddle” because none of this has been easy, but it has taught me to invest in rain boots just as much as sturdy umbrellas. 

And to look forward to the next 2-3 years because it’s time to bloom.